Journalist Tope Alabi has recounted the moment she knew it was time to leave her marriage over domestic abuse from her husband.
Tope revealed that the moment her six-year old daughter told her she didn’t want to get married because she doesn’t want go be beaten, she knew it was time.
Tope revealed how her husband cheated on her, beat her and made her believe it was all in her head.
Read the revealing story;
By Tope Enitan Alabi
This was barely 3 days after moving into our new home. We had just finished dinner and having a mummy and daughter time when she asked, ‘’Mummy, can a girl and a girl marry’’? I answered, ‘’yes.’’
She continued, asking if a boy and a boy could also get married, I affirmed saying yes, then added that marriage should happen when both parties are sure they needed to. For a minute, I thought that was the end to the questioning because really, I just ate and wanted to sit in silence and listen to music with her, but, no, my child followed up with the statement; ‘’I don’t want to get married, they will beat me.’’ Now, we are Yoruba, and ‘’they’’ in my language is meant for an older person, I was broken into bits.
Dear DJ
I knew from the very start that the marriage was going to fail. I wanted a home with you but, you were far from being an apartment. I stayed silent for years watching you cheat, all the while acting dumb, I, however, never envisaged that your anger would one day result in you hitting me.
You have continued to deny the many times you abused me, you have continued to deny ever hitting me on several occasions and, I have for years continued to hide that side of you from everyone you and I know.
The abuse started verbally. For every argument and disagreement that occurred, I heard how my mother did a shabby job parenting me, how my family was of no good, why you ask? I talked back so calmly, I dared to say every time — ‘’you are pushing me to the wall, someday soon, I will turn back and fight.’’
Remember the first day you hit me? Oh, you don’t, let me refresh your memory; we were in your brother’s car driving home from your mum’s church. I was in the back seat with her (our child) then barely 2-year-old. You had cussed me out in Yoruba and for the first time, I found my voice and replied to you, not by cussing you, I simply said ‘’you too’ and out of nowhere, I saw your hand moving swiftly towards me. You didn’t care that you were driving, nor that our child was in that car, you hit me, remember?
You did not stop there DJ, you kept on abusing me, verbally, emotionally, financially and, physically. You have to date denied you did that and up until 2016, I believed that I may have made things up in my head, ‘’Maybe you never meant to, maybe you were just angry and it was okay to take your anger out of me.,’’ yeah, you did a fine job with your words and charisma making me think I made everything up in my head, but no, I remember, you hurt me, you betrayed my love for you, you broke our vows.
That day in the car, I knew I had to leave the marriage but I was helpless, so I stayed an extra year. I stayed back and again watched you cheat on numerous occasions, watch you lie to my face, make me think I was crazy, I stayed back hoping my job at TooXclusive (my boss told me I would never amount to anything nor will people see how great I am, he too has denied ever saying this to me, but yes sir, you did and I remember as well) will allow me to save enough so I can leave with my child, I lost that job a few months later.
DJ, you never stopped abusing me as with every argument we had, you made sure to tell me how I was poorly trained by my family, how no man will ever want me because I have a child, how I was nothing without you. I remember how after asking for a divorce, you would beg that I not leave and when I refused, you begin with your threats and cusses. I remember deciding enough and finally turning back to fight you — you drag my family, I’ll drag your entire generation and place curses on every life you will have to live.
Years after leaving you, a few people I opened up to would ask, ‘’did you ever love him, what did you see in him? And I would respond by saying ‘’No I didn’t love him.’’ I had no explanation as to why I married you in the first place, I lied to them all, the truth is, I loved you, I loved you with everything in me, but I guess I just wasn’t enough for you.’’
You cheated, you got someone pregnant, you had multiple affairs while I stayed dedicated, committed to us. I raised the child we both created despite living together, I was a single mom even while married to you.
Did you tell your family how you gambled with our house rent? Did you tell them you repeatedly hit me in the face with my sister, our child, my nephews in the room with us? Did you tell your family how you consistently arranged different girls for your cousin’s husband who was barely 2 years into her marriage? Did you tell them how you insulted my mother, how you pulled me by my hair on the floor then turned to me to say ‘’You were just joking’’? Did you?
I was far from perfect in that marriage as well but not once did I cheat, I remained committed to you, to our vows until that day I said those magical words ‘’I want a divorce.’’
I know the lies you spread about me to your family, your friends, my acquaintances, our friends, I tried to counter them but of course, people believed you and took sides with you. Everyone supported you, including my family that you for months insulted.
I used to tell people that you are a good person and just have temper issues but since I am being honest, you are not. You are far from being a good person, you are a mean human and a downright wicked one, you are simply evil.
Wait I remember more, did you also tell your family how ‘Lore took ill barely one month after I asked you to leave the house (despite you going to your mom and grandma saying I almost stabbed you and that I poured my drink on you; FYI, it spilt, I would never waste my alcohol on anyone) that your child was ill and having just lost my job I had no money to take her to the clinic — Big thank you to a friend who sent me N2000 just so the doctors could commence treatment — so did you tell them? and even after calling you to beg that you refund the money I loaned you, you still refused?
Did you tell them how I have for more than 4 years been 99.7 per cent responsible for your ‘Lore staying alive and sane? Did you tell them what happened the last time we talked? I called you just for the sake of it and for the first time in 3 years asked that you pay half the fees to which you replied ‘’I will send you the money at the end of the month,’’ with my response being ‘’would you prefer she doesn’t go to school until you have your half of the fees? Did you at any point tell them that story and your response to what I said?
For ‘Lore now — I sent you a message after that day saying this ‘’I forgive you for thinking you have the right to be disrespectful and abusive to me. Henceforth, you will no longer disrespect me. I take back that power today. If you want to communicate from here on out, send a text first.’’ When you called a week later, refusing to respect my boundaries and I refusing for that boundary to be crossed, did you think to at least send a text after that? Or even pick up my calls after I called on my birthday due to her incessant plea to speak with you? Did you tell them any of this?
I want to listen to the universe and my mothers to forgive you, but no, I can not at this moment… I will forget the hurt and pain you caused me but forgiveness, you will have to earn it. I do not wish you well, I do not wish you happiness, you are evil, and that’s just who you are.
P.S: YOUR MISTRESS CALLED ME PRETENDING TO BE ME BUT FORGETTING THAT I AM HEAVILY GUIDED BY MY ANCESTORS AND CAN SMELL A RAT FROM A MILE AWAY, SHE IS SAD AS WELL AND I HOPE YOU AT LEAST FIX THAT RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. And sis, if you are reading this, run, because, the whip they used on the first wife, is somewhere in the house, waiting for it to be used on you as well.
For me: listen to Fight song by Rachel Platten, every last word said in that song is what I need you and everyone who for years abused me, know today. I am back.
I hope to write to you again, and when I do, please know that I will be saying more.
Tope
