NEWS LEVERAGE

In a sarcastic attempt to resolve their ongoing dispute, Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan, representing Kogi Central, has apologized to Senate President Godswill Akpabio. She expressed regret for her behaviour during a Senate session and for the allegations of sexual harassment against him.

The apology reads; Dear Distinguished Senate President Godswill Akpabio,

It is with the deepest sarcasm and utmost theatrical regret that I tender this apology for the grievous crime of possessing dignity and self-respect in your most exalted presence. I have reflected extensively on my unforgivable failure to recognize that legislative success in certain quarters is apparently not earned through merit, but through the ancient art of compliance — of the very personal kind.

How remiss of me not to understand that my refusal to indulge your… “requests” was not merely a personal choice, but a constitutional violation of the unwritten laws of certain men’s entitlement. Truly, I must apologize for prioritizing competence over capitulation, vision over vanity, and the people’s mandate over private dinners behind closed doors.

I now realize the catastrophic consequences of my actions: legislation delayed, tempers flared, and the tragic bruising of egos so large they require their own postcodes. For this disruption to the natural order of “quid pro quo,” I bow my head in fictional shame.

Please find it in your magnanimous heart — somewhere buried deep beneath layers of entitlement — to forgive this stubborn woman who mistakenly believed that her seat in the Senate was earned through elections, not erections.

I remain,
Yours in eternal resistance,
Senator Natasha H Akpoti Uduaghan
Unafraid, Unbought, and Unbroken